I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
