You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
