my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
