i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
