Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
