My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
