the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Randomize
