her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
