Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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