Your mouth is God's brothel.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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