she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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