I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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