So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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