After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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