He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
