glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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