If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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