eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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