It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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