I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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