she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
