I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My bed smells like the plague
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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