fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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