But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
