Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
