why didn't you poke me back
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
