You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize