mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
