Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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