If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
