After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
