is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
