you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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