My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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