I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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