he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
