Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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