god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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