I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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