Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
