So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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