I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
