Soap is not a condiment
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize