Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
