i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
