Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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