My hand turned me down
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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