have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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