I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
