they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
