If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
