you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
