i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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