why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
