its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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