Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You did what with his pubic hair?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
