This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
