The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize