i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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