She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
